I’ve thought about this a few times over the years as Facebook has spread like a social media epidemic–I’m waiting to sign in and see a friend request from my grandmother; it’s going to happen. I don’t typically read newspapers because I mean, c’mon, how primitive is that? In the age of Facebook, waiting for the bundle of ridiculously thin paper covered in notoriously smudgy ink is unacceptable. What’s acceptable, however, is posting to Facebook about how ridiculous newspapers are nowadays. Such are the times in which we live.
You really can’t argue with how extensively one’s personal history is written on their Facebook page. Part of the reason is because in these times when anything can be attributed importance via a post to the ole Facebook feed, everything becomes important, at least to many people. So it only makes sense that eventually, it’s likely that writers of obituaries will turn to Facebook as a history source for recently deceased individuals. And with law enforcement using Facebook in their investigations with increasing frequency, is it really that much of a stretch?
When I signed into Facebook a little while ago, I saw that a friend of mine had posted about this very topic. As I read TS’s post, I found I could not contain myself; immediately, I began writing my own Facebook obituary in my head. So without further ado, here is Dane’s Facebook obituary. Enjoy!
Dane Alexander O’Leary, 23, beloved liker of wall posts and notorious tagger of photos in which he is barely visible, responded “Yes” to his DEATH Facebook event late Wednesday afternoon. Dane was a determined student, a decent albeit unmotivated writer, and spent a significant amount of time looking at his own Facebook profile. Dane is survived by his parents, siblings, other close relatives, and several hundred Facebook friends with noticeably less active feeds. Dane’s relationship status at time of death was “Single.”
Born June 5, 1988, Dane was the son of Jill C. and Tracy O. of Martinsburg, WV, neither of whom were members of Facebook at the time of Dane’s death. Dane graduated from Hedgesville High in 2005, during which time Myspace was the preferred social media outlet, but which is now a cyber wasteland. Dane studied at Shepherd University from 2005 to 2010 after joining the Facebook community on August 15, 2005.
Dane was a 23-year non-member of any religious groups and instead polluted friends’ feeds with videos of ‘bitch fights’ from YouTube. Dane considered himself atheist according to his profile, and his political views are described as “We’re screwed.”
The family will accept video chats with Dane’s corpse from 5 to 8 p.m. on Sunday, October 30. Those who wish to video chat with Dane’s lifeless body are asked to please RSVP “Yes” or “Maybe” to the Video Chat with Dead Dane Facebook event, or join our Google Hangout on your Android device at the aforementioned time. In lieu of flowers, please post funny memes to your feed and cut back on all the selfies. The family thanks you for your well wishes during this difficult time and asks that you add the hashtag #DingDongtheDaneisDead to all your Facebook posts this week in Dane’s memory.